07/23/07
Tack
It’s all in adjectives and analogy.
Simplicity for the sake of narcissism,
a broken soliloquy of intent.
The voice of a lost captain,
unable to chart another course for risking the shame of failure.
Anomaly 7-23-07
The Fountain - across the millenia
Some of you will / do get this, some of you won’t / don’t get this.
What time do we have?
What is there to waist when we live forever?
"Every Shadow, no matter how deep, is threatened by the morning."
There is a ranking order.
That which serves us.
That which we will serve.
…and that which we have always been inextricably entwined from beyond the concepts of time immemorial.
Do we understand the important, the permanent, the urgent?
The stories of our lives are not solitary.
Every chance you ever missed is yours to have.
Our dreams are greater than our hopes and expectaions.
The beginning and end is contained within you.
True love should be considered on all points as being beyond these precepts.
This is the dawn of a new day for me. It’s so amazing to look back at the last two years and see what has become of my life, this thing of beauty and happiness from the darkest moment I’ve ever known.
Two years ago, May 15, 2005, I had just begun chanting, and was getting "everything I wanted"… but I wanted more. I was asking to understand why I was alive, to appreciate life.
I got exactly that. On the Los Angeles subway that evening, I was assaulted and left for dead. Long story short, I was beaten within an inch of my life. I was picked up by an unidentifiable person and brought to an Emergency Room where I was checked in as a John Doe. The woman I had been with for two years could only recognize me by my shirt as she came looking for me. My jaw was wired shut for two months, and several surgeries were to follow. I am still in therapy, but no longer have to drug myself to sleep and can do most things without having to have someone act as a security blanket for me.
This was the lowest moment in my life. For six months I hid the fact that I was suicidal. I held on and pushed through because it was easier than causing any more pain to those that I loved the most. I wished that somehow I could have simply died and they’d never found me.
I’m glad I wasn’t given this choice.
This has been the most painful and beautiful journey I could never have imagined. I’ve found a love and comraderie with and for humanity that I’d never had before. My family has been drawn closer and more connected, and I think we’ve all gained a newfound respect for appreciating every moment we have with each other.
Tears fall continuously from my eyes as I write this. I’m filled with indescribable levels of emotion, running the full length from absolute sorrow to unbounded happiness and gratitude. The pendulum will always swing both ways.
I can’t possibly explain the victory it is to live every day of this life. I don’t wish anyone pain, but I promise you, for every bit you should ever feel; it’s worth it. It’s worth every single second of pain just to know that you are alive. Much more so than the old adage "what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger", I have my own statement I say often:
"You can handle ANYTHING. Should you ever come to face anything you can not handle, that will be the thing that kills you."
Please think of this in any time you find strife… you are breathing. Your heart beats. Your mind processes thought. With only these things, Stephen Hawking was able to make it into space recently. Imagine what YOU could do!
Every day I am overcome with awe and joy at the beauty and wonder that allows all of us to live our daily lives. Billions, nay, countless circumstances have had to occur just to take you to this exact moment.
Who are we to waste this?
The love I feel carries me through every day. If it weren’t for exactly everything that had occured up until this moment, I would not be who I am, nor you who you are. Not only should you not take this for granted, I encourage to take advantage of this astounding good fortune that you have!
Wake up every day and thank the universe that you exist.
Live your days full of gratitude and in the service of creating value in your lives and the lives of others.
Choose to be happy NOW. Happiness is not somewhere you will arrive. It is a choice you make every moment that you have the ability to think. The ONLY thing you control in your existence is your perception. Learn to master this, and use your control of this to make your existence happy every second that you can. Think of NOW first. You may not have tomorrow. You do have NOW.
When you lay your head to rest, be thankful for the days that you have had. Be appreciative for all that it has taken just to get you safely to your sleep with the knowledge that you will wake again tomorrow. That simple confidence that you will continue to exist is never to be taken lightly; it can be taken away from you much easier than you could ever imagine.
If you are reading this, know that you are never alone. Something brought you to this moment to see this if nothing else. Know that you are loved, and appreciated, and valuable beyond compare. You hold within you all that you will ever need to be happy. Very little is actually needed to have a happy life. Children are our greatest example of this.
A single moment of your existence now is worth immeasurably more than any wealth or power you may accumulate that exists after you are dead.
You have no other time than NOW. Use it.
Learn to love. Learn to forgive. Learn to support and understand and to grow and to find the value in doing work for the sake of others. In the grand scope of time, you are essentially the difference you have made in the world and nothing more.
Ask yourself, what are you? Who owns your life? How have you made NOW better than "then" for the world? What more can you do?
I beg you, please fight for your heart, your happiness, your strength…. and as you gain these things do all you can to give these gifts to others! You won’t lose anything by this; rather, you will gain wealth in your heart you cannot imagine.
Never stop giving. Never stop opening your heart to the world. Never stop loving.
It is only when you stop trying that you fail.
NEVER GIVE UP.
I love you,
Joshua
I wish that all these "other voices" I am hearing were mine. I want that audience, the lively and energetic, to be one with the fresh-faced effete.
Celebrate while you can, while you have youth and enthusiasm on your side. Old age and resentment are darkening the horizon; winter, looming not so far in the distance.
Take everything while you can.
Preface:
~Can someone build a book online? The Japanese are
doing it. SMS. Short Message Service. Their version of the proverbial
“Great American Novel” is to cut it into postage stamp sized pieces of
romance and give it away free to thousands of word thirsty teens.
_____________________________________________________________________
Open:
Am
I going to stand in the bathroom, cold and naked, all fucking night,
scrawling into some tiny notebook pressed against the bathroom wall?
I
used to have something… I had regimen and denial. It wasn’t much, but
it kept me moving, it kept me thin, and, I thought, fairly sharp
mentally. I had a system of work and reward, sin and salvation,
essentially.
I could have a shot of vodka if I did 30 push-ups.
I
could masturbate if I dyed my hair first, a cigarette if I exfoliated
my face, Caramel Caribou ice cream if I did aerobics for half an hour…
I
miss it all, but it can never be the same can it? The moment you’re
cognizant of something, you are responsible to that knowledge.
I miss my ignorance, my denial;
I miss waiting for an escape.
Waiting for an escape… fall through the moments, one by one…
trail off…
the pale glow and the open window, a half-cup that is mine, half that is gone to eternity.
Tell myself that I don’t know any better.
Polish, and push, and convince, and push, and wish, and push, and pretend, and…
it all falls away when someone comes around and it’s too dark to look yourself in the eye.
You can only pretend this is real for so long.
Now:
I have “3 in the morning, can’t sleep with no heat, unable to take a
proper shit. It’s not my fault for not trying. I’ve got the scented
candles; custom imported deodorant spray, proper fiber intake, and just
frequent enough movements. Now, my nemesis, maybe doppelganger, is the
4.5 pound rat in the wall scuttling back and forth next to my head,
trying to figure out “what’s this interesting smell on the other side?”
I didn’t get it.
Why wouldn’t anyone tell me what was wrong with me?
Why wasn’t I good enough?
I tried so hard to be what they wanted, and it just wouldn’t work.
There were no burning bridges I could see,
but,
looking around,
I don’t see where anyone went while I was just here,
trying to be the best for them that I could.
If I’m always "the best you’ve ever had"…. why aren’t you still here?
Hold it, hold it to me… anything I remember doesn’t happen, so never let go.
I
want this reality, I want to be here, I’m trying to be like you are,
but it’s just so frustrating when I can’t remember who you are if I
want you to be there when I wake up…
…and if I wake up I eventually forget you…
…but, I know who you are, so you must not be real…
…so
stay close, and ignore the noise from the sky, the shifting of the
earth, the fabric of our consciousness drifting away… thread by
thread…
and please forgive me…
I know you’ll remember me if you are real…
I won’t remember you any more than the fog remembers the rain…
I’m lying here, the clock strikes twelve; I cannot sleep.
My dreams are filled with my greedy, myopic, heart’s delusions.
There is a way.
It’s upon you to take hold of revelation as an individual, to let go of terms and ideals you wish you were.
If you can define all that you can become, then you do not see beyond yourself as you stand now.
Evolution as an art form,
as a conscience,
is more than random mutation.
It is not the result. It is the becoming.
Be resilient. They can’t all be this way, you think, but is that the
case? Is every line on your face just another line in the sand they
crossed, a line pushed back, the next one always seeming so good, then
they knock you down harder than the last?
Every day you wonder how much longer you can stand up. Every day you do go on. Every day you try to forget that you know.
You do know.
They’re out there, fresh faces, not aging like they aged you, taking time and life from other whores now.
